I'm having a pain inside of me lately that I dont know how to express to anyone.  Sometimes I feel that noone is listening to what I;m saying and there to involved in there own life.  Here is something that I wrote many years ago.  It came to my mind tonight as I was pondering about life.  I feel that mankind cannot fill my void off happiness all the time.  I think that God is the only one who can listen to me and understand me when no one is around, and when no one wants to listen.  Everytime I speak I feel that my words are not worth listening for anyone... yet I give so much to listen to other peoples words and help them out.  May God heal me of this broken heart, and may God heal me of feeling alone at times.

Blinded - By Nicole Moyneur (written 2003)

Does the world not see me?
Do my friends wear blind folds?
All I feel on this earth, is yet a speck of dust,
waiting for someone to pluck me off this earth.
I'm getting sick of feeling unnoticed.
I'm getting sick of getting left behind

Is there anyone on this earth who can rescue me from falling?
Isn't there anyone who will just listen to one single word I say?
No there isn't.
There to blinded by the light that surrounds them.
There black trench coats smuther there hearts,
in order for me not to get a peak.
I'm screaming inside of Myself...
I'm crying inside......
Why don't I feel loved?
Why don't I feel accepted?
Why am I forgotten about all the time?
WHY?
Then one single tear drop falls from my eye...
it rolls down my face and drops to the ground.

Someone notices that teadrop.. because it is unique and unnoticed.
HE runs to my side and wraps HIS arms around me.
HE brushes off my tears, comforts my weakness, then cries
the same cry I unleashed... except hIS tear drop was "Tinted REd"

If You Really Loved Me.....

If you really loved me, then why didn't you fight for me.  I gave you chances, but it seemed not high on your list.  If you really loved me, then why didn't you try to see my side... instead it was one sided. If you really loved me you would have shown me you're best and that your working on it (Together we were working on it). If you really loved me you wouldn't have let this turn out the way it did. If you really loved me you would have taken each word I said important, and worth value.  If you really loved me you would have made me feel free.  If you really loved me you would have not try to change my identity, but embraced my heritage and who I really am.  If you really loved me, you would have not controlled me but supported me in any walk I went.

I'm not to sure what love is right now, especially coming from mankind.  I'm not to sure how to accept love right now, because words spoken to me have been misused.  Through this new year, may I become strong and independant. May I not rely on man to give me happiness.  In this new year may I reach goals, and do things that make me feel happy, make me feel free. 

If you really love me, walk with me.  Listen to my words, and try to understand me.  If you really love me support me in anything that I do and listen to my point of view. If you really love me be apart of my life and the things I love to do. 

It's a New Year and a new start.  I have alot of struggles to fight through right now... and alot of hard memories to sort through.  For those who really love me.  Thanks.  I love you to.

If you really love me..... then you'll come dance with me.

Follow Through on your Words

I definitely feel that I can't trust people's words right now.  If you make a promise, please stand by your words.  When blurting out words to people, I think for me I take them serious. 

I don't know what's wrong with me right now!!! I guess it's just that I have been hurt recently by peoples words, promises, and commitments.  If there's a follow through, then follow through on it!  If you make a promise, stand firm and make sure you abide by your words.   Especially in relationships.  If your significant other says that they will make sure to work on it.... but there not even trying to work on it.  Then what's the point of them even saying they want to work on it? I don't get that.

If you want to hang out with me the following day, but don't call me, or even come to see me.  Then why do you speak false words? I don't get that.  Maybe I'm just being overly picky in life right now?  Maybe now that I'm "Single", I feel that I rely on my friends and there words.

If you don't mean it.... then don't even speak at all.

We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.  ~Abraham Lincoln

 Promises are like the full moon, if they are not kept at once they diminish day by day.  ~German Proverb

 One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises that one makes.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

 Promise only what you can deliver.  Then deliver more than you promise.  ~Author Unknown

"Consequence Free"

God please help me to learn how to trust peoples words again.  If I say things, may I mean it, and hold myself to it.

May I speak words, but follow through with my actions.  May I not worry about the little things in life, but enjoy my surroundings.

May I feel free, and not feel that I need to please everyone around me.

May I not put on an "act".  May I be real, and real to the people around me.

May I not be comfortable in a community of "Christians", but reach out, love all, and give all to everyone.

May you keep me focused, but may I  not have such a hard feeling guilty all the time. 

God I don't think you intend on us having a boring life, so may I live it with passion.

 "Consequence Free" -Great Big Sea

Wouldn't it be great, if no one ever got offended

Wouldn't it be great to say what's really on your mind

I have always said 'all the rules are made for bending'

And if I let my hair down, would that be such a crime?

I wanna be consequence free

I wanna be where nothing needs to matter

I wanna be consequence free

I could really use, to lose my Catholic conscience

Cuz I'm getting sick of feeling guilty all the time

I won't abuse it, Yeah I've got the best intentions

For a little bit of anarchy but not the hurting kind

I couldn't sleep at all last night

cause I had so much on my mind

I'd like to leave it all behind,

but you know it's not that easy 

Wouldn't it be great, if the band just never ended

We could stay out late and we would never hear last call

We wouldn't need to worry about approval or permission,

we could - slip off the edge and never worry about the fall

Don't worry, be happy now!

Don't Worry, Be Happy Now!

Once again I can't sleep, and my mind is racing.  I have all these emotions, thoughts, and expressions wrapped up in my brain.  I don't know how to release my emotions right now, and how to create space in my head.   I'm wasting my wonderful hours of the night, thinking about pointless problems.  Years from now these problems will become a funny conversation starter!!!!!

Lately the word "Happiness", has been brought to my attention. I think this word is brought up often in my life right now because I'm striving to be more happy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy go lucky person.  The Phrase "Shit hit the fan" is what I would call this chapter in my life right now, and I'm coming to terms with the low tides.  For years I've bottled up my emotions, and pleased others around me.  Now I've come to terms that I need to stand up for myself. I just finished reading an amazing book called "Eat Pray Love"-written by Elizabeth Gilbert. There was something that hit me when she explained the way she views happiness.

Here's what she said:

"[My guru] says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you are fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it..." 

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Growing up as a "Christian", I was taught and told that happiness can come from God.  I don't doubt that is not true.  I believe that God can give you happiness, but I also believe that you need to make an effort to maintain and achieve it.  God's not just gonna go "Oh yeah Nicole, heres a bit of happiness, go and be well with yourself!"  I'm finding in my life right now that happiness is what you sought out. Listening to music, playing the guitar, hanging out with friends, hiking, traveling, playing sports.  All of those things, and more are what make me happy.  Please my friends,  don't be a lazy couch douche bag and wait for God to give you happiness.  It doesn't work that way!  I may have crap going on in my life right now, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy.  That doesn't mean that I need to limit myself and not have fun.

My main quote I like to say through out these past months is "Life is like a rollercoaster."  True life is like a rollercoaster. You have your ups and your downs.  But you know what, you better hold on tight of that Rollercoaster, be happy, and take the turns as they come.